"Don’t be so humble - you are not that great."
"I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster
than anybody who can write better."
"It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man."
"The average person thinks he isn’t."
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that
one’s work is terribly important."
"To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me."
"Give me a museum and I’ll fill it."
"Plato was a bore."
"The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that
all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time."
"You proceed from a false assumption: I have no ego to bruise."
"How can I lose to such an idiot?"
"For there is nothing either good or bad, thinking makes it so."
"Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think that you are facing a
contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong."
"I have no data yet. It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data.
Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories instead of theories to suit facts."
"We must have strong minds, ready to accept facts as they are."
"317 is a prime, not because we think so, or because our minds are shaped in
one way rather than another, but because it is so, because mathematical reality is built that
"Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other
"If two things don’t fit, but you believe both of them, thinking that
somewhere, hidden, there must be a third thing that connects them, that’s credulity."
"A problem well stated is a problem half solved."
"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is
nothing left to take away."
"Plurality is not to be posited without necessity."
"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake."
"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation."
"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to
"There is nothing that living things do that cannot be understood from the point of view
that they are made of atoms acting according to the laws of physics."
"A goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid."
"I have not failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"All science is either physics or stamp collecting."
"The only possible conclusion the social sciences can draw is: some do, some don’t."
"Religion hinges upon faith, politics hinges upon who can tell the most convincing lies
or maybe just shout the loudest, but science hinges upon whether its conclusions resemble what actually
"Religion ends and philosophy begins, just as alchemy ends and chemistry begins, and astrology ends
and astronomy begins."
"A religion contradicting science and a science contradicting religion are equally
"Science is the record of dead religions."
"Consider for a moment this notion that you should respect other people's beliefs. Where else in our discourse do we encounter this? I mean, when was the last time
anyone in this room was admonished to respect another person's beliefs about history, or biology, or physics? We do not respect people's beliefs; we evaluate their reasons."
"Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the
"Faith: not wanting to know what is true."
"Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any
"Hell is paved with good samaritans."
"We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we have only one."
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very
angry and is widely regarded as a bad move."
"I contend we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do.
When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand
why I dismiss yours."
"The being we call god is merely a pawn working for a powerful and rational force
in some far-off galaxy. This force is trying to weed out people who are irrational by seeing who
would be stupid enough to believe in his god illusion so easily. Those that believe in this
illusion, he will send to eternal damnation and he will deliver the rational beings, those who
stoically refused to believe in a god, to heaven."
"Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis."
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
‘God is crying’. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him
is ‘Probably because of something you did’."
"God for you is where you sweep away all the mysteries of the world, all the
challenges to our intelligence. You simply turn your mind off and say God did it."
"The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose."
"What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence."
"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
"Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split."
"The price of liberty is eternal vigilance."
"The percent likelihood of a society becoming physically violent if it is
physically affectionate towards its infants and tolerant of premarital sexual behavior is 2
percent. The probability of this relationship occurring by chance is 125,000 to one. I am not
aware of any other developmental variable that has such a high degree of predictive validity."
"All for one; one for all."
"You laugh at me because I am different, but I laugh at you because you are
all the same."
"Vote early and vote often."
"If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."
"The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of
thinking that created them."
"Men have become the tools of their tools."
"When they took the Fourth Amendment, I was silent because I don’t deal
drugs. When they took the Sixth Amendment, I kept quiet because I know I’m innocent. When they
took the Second Amendment, I said nothing because I don’t own a gun. Now they’ve come for
the First Amendment, and I can’t say anything at all."
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are acutally rearranging
In a boat at sea one of the men began to bore a hole in the bottom of the boat. On
being remonstrating with, he answered, "I am only boring under my own seat."
"Yes," said his companions, "but when the sea rushes in we shall all be drowned with you."
"The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins."
"Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees
equality of opportunity."
"I think it would be a good idea."
"Death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new."
"Do not pity the dead, Harry."
"This is the way the world ends / Not with a bang but a whimper."
"Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die."
"Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence."
"NEW YORK, NY. A man was knocked down by a car and got up uninjured, but lay back
down in front of the car when a bystander told him to feign injury in order to collect insurance
money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death."
"If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?"
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure
about the former."
"What do you take me for, an idiot?;"
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung."
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession
of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."
"You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty."
"A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
"It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid."
"I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to."
"It depends upon what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is."
"The only stupid question is the question you don't ask."
"The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge."
"A witty saying proves nothing."
"Hunger is the best sauce."
"Better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
"Even a stopped clock is right twice a day."
"A pint of sweat saves a gallon of blood."
"Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."
"99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
"Don't spend all your money on a safe."
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, prepare to die."
"The greatest strength is gentleness."
"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig."
"If you lose your temper, you’ve lost the argument."
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
"Only imbeciles never change their minds."
"I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W.
Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon."
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting
the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."
"I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television."
"Why don’t you write books people can read?"
"They write about these kind of cases in the Private Eye Handbook, Lady!
Something about a ten foot pole..."
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
"Few things are harder to put up with than a good example."
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."
"Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying
to be funny."
"In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
"You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because
you might not get there."
"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known."
"I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it."
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never
"I would like to be able to admire a man’s opinions as I would his dog -
without being expected to take it home with me."
"I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it
by not dying."
"The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting
ready to skin you."
"You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant (excepting Alice)."
"As I get older I notice the years less and the seasons more."
"Why do men fear the dark?
"Write drunk. Edit sober."
"Wit is educated insolence."
"Criticism is prejudice made plausible."
"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."
"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."
"Happiness is good health and a bad memory."
"Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers."
"Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt."
"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting."
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."
"Opportunities multiply as they are seized."
"Men are like steel. when they lose their temper, they lose their worth."
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a
‘C’, the idea must be feasible."
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
"This antitrust thing will blow over."
"We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
"It is quite impossible that the noble organs of human speech could be replaced ignoble, senseless metal."
"Do, or do not. There is no ‘try’."
"It’s easier to seek forgiveness than ask for permission."
"Be lions roaring through the forests of knowledge."
"Become who you are."
"Ideas are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with your hands. But
like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them
you will reach your destiny."
"Destiny is not a matter of change, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing
to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."
"They say time is the fire in which we burn."
"If everything is under control, you are going too slow."
"If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood
and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless
immensity of the sea."
"Never forget that it is the spirit with which you endow your work that makes it
useful or futile."
"Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome."
"Go after what it is that creates meaning in your life and then trust yourself to handle the stress that follows."
"I don't know the key to success but I know the key to failure is trying to
"We ought to be more focused on enemies without than preoccupied with finding them within."
"A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government."
"Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is
over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains."
"I would have made a good Pope."
"Laws change more slowly than custom, and though dangerous when they fall behind the times are more dangerous still when they presume to anticipate custom."
"For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for nature cannot be fooled."
"Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are
"I like to play poker with politicians. They’re easy to beat.
Sometimes in poker it’s smarter to lose with a winning hand so that you can win later with a losing hand.
Politicians can’t accept that."
"The worst part about politics is that you're always right and no one ever
"In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and
bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland,
they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they
produce? The cuckoo clock."
"Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog."
"When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail."
"I am become death, the destroyer of worlds."
"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument."
"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
"Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like
a woman scorn’d."
"Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so."
"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard
die for his."
Doctor Juliet Parish: "Things have gotten totally out of control."
"A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic."
"Man’s highest joy is in victory: to conquer one’s enemies;
to pursue them; to deprive them of their possessions; to make their beloved weep; to ride on their horses;
and to embrace their wives and daughters."
"It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both."
"After I’m dead I’d rather have people ask why I have no monument than
why I have one."
"When a man is wrapped up in himself he makes a pretty small package."
"Life is not about the shadow you cast on your enemies ... but the shade you provide for your friends."
"I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don’t need."
"Good teaching is one-forth preparation and three-fourths theater."
"Copy from one, it’s plagiarism; copy from two, it’s research."
"University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small."
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
"Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century."
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students."
"Education is not the filling of a bucket, but the lighting of a fire."
"The objective of education is to prepare the young to educate themselves throughout their lives."
Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes.
"I don’t feel good."
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
"Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done."
"Show my head to the people, it is worth seeing."
"Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something."