Pulp Wars

JULES: Okay now, tell me about the Empire?

VINCENT: So what you wanna know?

JULES: Well, killing's legal there, right?

VINCENT: Yeah, it's legal, but is ain't a hundred percent legal, I mean you can't just stroll into a cantina, whip out a blaster and start pluggin' away. I mean, it can only be done by certain designated people.

JULES: Those are stormtroopers?

VINCENT: Yeah, it breaks down like this: a stormtrooper only needs to be sure whoever he happens to be shooting is a Rebel, but even that don't matter because, get a load of this, if its ordered by some wrinkly, girly bone-armed guy wearing a gown, you can call anyone a Rebel.

JULES: That did it, man, I'm fuckin' goin', that's all there is to it.

VINCENT: You'll dig it the most. But you know what the funniest thing about the Empire is?

JULES: What?

VINCENT: It's the little differences. A lotta the same shit we got here, they got there, but there they're a little different.

JULES: Examples?

VINCENT: Well, for one thing there's this gigantic battle station cruisin' around, blowing away planets.

JULES: That's one hell of a little difference.

VINCENT: I guess. You know what they call it?

JULES: What'd they call it?

VINCENT: The Death Star.

JULES: The Death Star. What'd they call a destroyer?

VINCENT: A destroyer's a destroyer except they call it a Star Destroyer.

JULES: Why do all the names have the word "star" in them?

VINCENT: Probably 'cause it sounds scary. You know what they don't put on their starfighters?

JULES: What?

VINCENT: Shields.

JULES: Goddamn!

VINCENT: I seen 'em do it. They fuckin' lose'em by the dozen.

JULES: Damn!

JULES: We should have detonators for this kinda deal.

VINCENT: How many up there?

JULES: Three or four.

VINCENT: Counting our guy?

JULES: I'm not sure.

VINCENT: So there could be five guys up there?

JULES: It's possible.

VINCENT: We should have fuckin' detonators.

VINCENT: What's her name?

JULES: Leia.

VINCENT: How did Jabba and her meet?

JULES: She was tryin' to stela something he had up on the wall.

VINCENT: She ever do anything I woulda hear of?

JULES: I think her biggest deal was she was involved in the Alliance.

VINCENT: What's the Alliance?

JULES: Well, you know the Old Republic?

VINCENT: I don't follow politics.

JULES: Yes, but you're aware that there was a Republic that governed the galaxy for a thousand generations?


JULES: Well, the Emperor rose to power and forcably replaced the Old Republic with his New Order. Leia's foster father and some lady created an Alliance to oppose it. Leia was one of the leaders.

JULES: You remember Anakin Skywalker? Usta call him Wackin' Anakin?

VINCENT: Yeah maybe, tall right?

JULES: Right.

VINCENT: I think I know who you mean, what about him?

JULES: Well, some time back, Obi-Wan fucked him up pretty good. Word around the campfire was that Anakin was related to Leia.

VINCENT: What'd he do, abuse Leia?

JULES: No no no no no no no, Anakin didn't even know he had kids.

VINCENT: Well what then?

JULES: He turned to the dark side.

VINCENT: The dark side?

Jules nods his head: "Yes."

VINCENT: That's all?

Jules nods his head: "Yes."

VINCENT: What did Obi-Wan do?

JULES: He confronted Anakin on some volcanic planet, up on the lip of a crater. Threw his as over. There was a pool of lava down at the bottom. Anakin fell through that. Since then he's developed a bit of a breathing problem.

VINCENT: That's a damn shame. Still I hafta say, play with matches, ya get burned.

JULES: No man, it was lava.

VINCENT: I know, I mean he shouldn't have turned to the dark side

JULES: You don't think he overreacted?

VINCENT: Anakin probably didn't expect Obi-Wan to react the way he did, but he had to have expected a reaction.

JULES: It's the Force, what's the big deal? Nobody understands that stuff.

VINCENT: It's betraying a trust that the master has for his student. Is it as bad as abusing your kids? No, but it's in the same ball park.

JULES: Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop right there. Beating up your kids and making an independent career decision isn't the same thing.

VINCENT: Not the same thing, the same ballpark.

JULES: It ain't no ballpark either. Look maybe your understanding of the evils of child abuse are different from mine, but deciding to take the quick and easy path and beatin' up your kids ain't the same ballpark. It ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport.

VINCENT: Do you believe in the Force?

JULES: Sure.

VINCENT: That there's a good and bad side?

JULES: Yeah.

VINCENT: Would you become a dark jedi, quit your job and become the top-bag man for some intergalactic prune.

JULES: Fuck you.

VINCENT: Use the Force!

JULES: Fuck you.

VINCENT: I can feel your anger!

JULES: Man, you best back off, I'm gittin' pissed. This is the door. What time is it?

VINCENT: Seven-twenty-two in the morning.

JULES: It ain't quite time, let's hang back. Look, just because I wouldn't be doing no dark jedi shit don't make it right for Obi-Wan to throw Anakin into a lava-motherfuckin'-pit fuckin' up the way the nigger breathes. That ain't right. Someone do that shit to me they better paralyze my ass 'cause I'd kill'a motherfucker.

VINCENT: I'm not sayin' he was right, but you're sayin' that betraying your teacher don't mean nothin' and I'm saying it does. There's a whole sacred respect thing going on there that nobody talks about but everyone knows it, Obi-Wan knew it and Anakin shoulda known fuckin' better.

JULES: That's an interesting point, but let's get into character.

VINCENT: What's her name again?

JULES: Leia. Why you so interested in big man's dancing girl?

VINCENT: Well, Jabba is leavin' for a couple of days and he wants me to take care of her.

JULES: Take care of her? What, take her out, show her a good time?

VINCENT: No, I mean take her out. (makes gun out of had and puts it to head)

JULES: Hey kids. How you boys doin'?

JULES: Am I trippin', or did I just ask you a question?

BRETT: We're doin' okay.

JULES: Do you know who we are?

Brett shakes his head: "No."

JULES: We're associates of your business partner Jabba the Hutt, remember your business partner, don't ya?

JULES: Now I'm gonna take a wild guess here: you're Brett, right?

BRETT: I'm Brett.

JULES: I thought so. Well, you remember your business partner Jabba the Hutt dont'ya Brett?

BRETT: I remember him.

JULES: Good for you. Looks like me and Vincent caught you at breakfast, sorry 'bout that. What'cha eatin'?

BRETT: Wampaburgers.

JULES: Wampaburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kinda burgers?

BRETT: Cheesewamps.

JULES: No, I mean where did you get'em?

BRETT: Big Wampa Burger.

JULES: Big Wampa Burger. That's that Hoth-burger joint. I heard they got some tasty burgers. I ain't never had one myself, how are they?

BRETT: They're good.

JULES: Mind if I try one of yours?


JULES: Yours is this one, right?

BRETT: Yeah.

Jules grabs the burger and take a bite of it.

JULES: Uuummmm, that's a tasty burger.(to Vincent)Vince, you ever try a Big Wampa Burger?


JULES: You wanna bite, they're real good.

VINCENT: I ain't hungry.

JULES: Well, if you like hamburgers give 'em a try sometime. Me, I like 'em 'cause I was in the navy for a long time and we never got any good burgers. I sure love the taste of a good burger. (to Brett) You know what they call a Destroyer in the Empire?


JULES: Tell 'em, Vincent.

VINCENT: Star Destroyer.

JULES: Star Destroyer, you know why they call it that?

BRETT: Because it sounds scary?

JULES: Check out the big brain on Brett. You'a smart motherfucker, that's right. Sounds scary. What's in this?

BRETT: Juri juice.

JULES: Juri Juice, good, mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down with?

BRETT: Sure.

JULES: Uuuuummmm, hit's the spot! (to Roger) You, you know what we're here for?

Roger nods his head: "Yes."

JULES: Then why don't you tell my boy here Vince, where you got the shit hid.

MARVIN: (begins yowling something)

JULES: I don't remember askin' you a goddamn thing. You were sayin'?

ROGER It's in the cupboard.

Vincent moves to the bed, reaches underneath it, pulling out a black snap briefcase.

VINCENT: Got it.

JULES: We happy?

JULES: Vincent!

JULES: We happy?

VINCENT: We're happy.

BRETT: Look, what's your name? I got his name's Vincent, but what's yours?

JULES: My name's Pitt, and you ain't talkin' your ass outta this shit.

BRETT: I just want you to know how sorry we are about how fucked up things got between us and Mr. Hutt. When we entered into this thing, we only had the best intentions --

As Brett talks, Jules takes out his gun and SHOOTS Roger three times in the chest, BLOWING him out of his chair.

JULES: Oh, I'm sorry. Did that break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue. I believe you were saying something about "best intentions." Whatsamatter? Oh, you were through anyway. Well, let me retort. Would you describe for me what Jabba the Hutt looks like? What planet you from!

BRETT: What?

JULES: "What" ain't no planet I know! Do they speak Basic in "What?"

BRETT: What?

JULES: Bacic-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?


JULES: Then you understand what I'm sayin'?


JULES: Now describe what Jabba the Hutt looks like!

BRETT: What?

JULES: Say "What" again! C'mon, say "What" again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherfucker, say "What" one more goddamn time! Now describe to me what Jabba the Hutt looks like!

BRETT: Well he's, he's, green

JULES: Go on!

BRETT: and he's, he's, big

JULES: Does he look like a bitch?!

BRETT: What?

Jules' eyes go to Vincent, Vincent smirks, Jules rolls his eyes and SHOOT Brett in the shoulder.

JULES: Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!


JULES: Then why did you try to fuck 'im like a bitch?!

BRETT: I didn't.

JULES: Yes ya did Brett. Ya tried ta fuck'im. And nobody fuck Jabba, you know why? 'Cause his species reproduces assexually. You follow politics?


JULES: There's a speech I got memorized. You might like it. General Kenobi, years ago your served my father in clone wars, now he begs you to help him in the struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack and my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed. I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit, my father will know how to retrieve it. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desparate hour, Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

There is a look of total confusion on Brett's face as the two gangsters empty their blasters into him.

CHEWIE: (Assorted Chewie sounds)

VINCENT: Friend of yours?

JULES: Yeah, Chewie, Vincent. Vincent, Chewie.

VINCENT: Chewie? As in Chewbacca that hangs around with Solo?

JULES: That's the one.

VINCENT: What the hell's he doing here?

JULES: We met while playing cards one time over at Lando's place. He does odd jobs for me sometimes. Han's dissapeared for a while and Chewie still needs to pay the bills.

Then suddenly the bathroom door BURSTS OPEN, and a FOURTH MAN (as young as the rest) comes CHARGING out, a heavy blaster in his hand.

FOURTH MAN: Die, die, die, die, die, die!

The Fourth Man FIRES SIX BOOMING SHOTS from his hand cannon in the direction of Vincent and Jules. He SCREAMS a maniacal cry of revenge until he's DRY FIRING.

FOURTH MAN: I don't understand!

The Fourth Man is BLOWN OFF HIS FEET by bullets that TEAR HIM TO SHREDS.

Created, maintained and © by John Hubbard (write to me). Disclaimers. Hosted by Dreamhost. Last modified: July-23-2003.