You Might be a Cop if...

You have the bladder capacity of five people.

You have ever wanted to teach a class called "Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time"

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm.

Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.

You call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

You can identify a negative "teeth to tattoo" ratio just by looking at a person.

You find humour in other people's stupidity.

You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.

You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

You have your weekends off planned for a year.

Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.

You call for a "wants and registered owner" on personalized licence plate STOLEN.

You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for arrest.

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

You plan what you're going to have for dinner while loading your sidearm.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet around here."

You refer to your night-stick as a "dork slayer".

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track.

You believe chocolate is a food group.

When someone calls you a prick, you take it as a compliment.

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...getting it right the first time."

You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict.

You have ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.

You have ever replied "yes" when someone calls asking, "Is my husband (father, etc.) there?"

You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular local bar.

You believe the dispatcher is a shit magnet who is possessed by a demon.

Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.

You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

You have heard the Sergeant muttering down the hall, "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?"

When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.

You believe that the cells should be provided with a valium saltlick.

Your prisoner states, "I have no idea how that got there".

It occurs to you suddenly one night that you are policing the Twilight Zone.

You believe anyone who says, "I only had two or three beers" is going to blow over 150.

You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.

You are told to deliver a human jaw in a jar, and you find yourself talking to it, there on the seat beside you.

You believe it's not a good death unless it involves overtime.

You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.

You walk into places and people think it high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you Bill or Fred or Burt or...whoever".

You have difficulty differentiating between counsel and client.

You do not see daylight from November to May.

People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original.

You believe in involuntary sterilization.

You believe office meetings are always called at the end of YOUR shift!

Created, maintained and © by John Hubbard (write to me). Disclaimers. Hosted by Dreamhost. Last modified: July-23-2003.